Sunday, 19 January 2014

Fourty long overdue apologies

At nineteen years old (yes, really, I'm that many years old - I know you had no idea because I never talk about it...), I have racked up a worryingly large amount of regrets. From buying flared jeans in the peak of my childhood, to becoming addicted to the Sims 2 and butchering my family's laptop in the process, my repertoire is overflowing with "oh good God" moments. But let's be honest, what life is complete without a healthy dose of regret with a side order of self-hatred? We all need things that keep us up at night, that we can over-think while staring out of a car window with one of Adele's songs blaring through our headphones, and that really do warrant a dramatic re-enactment of our favourite rom-com break-up scene.

So I've been thinking, what am I sorry for? After much careful consideration and general "why the hell did I even do that? Eleanor you are a total twat", I have compiled a list of fourty incidents I feel I need to apologise to the world for (because face-to-face apologies are so two-thousand-and-late). And if you're reading the list and think a certain point is about you, well, it probably isn't - don't be so cocky. Ha, no I'm joking, it most likely is.

So without further ado: a bucket full of soz for (being the worst human being ever) and...

  1. I am sorry that I can't pay my rent by myself
  2. I am sorry that I have no self control when I'm in Zara
  3. I am sorry for the times you haven't been able to check your email because I've been streaming crappy American television shows
  4. I am sorry for fantasizing about pushing you down the stairs after I learnt that you'd eaten my Nutella without asking. *twitches*
  5. I am sorry for accidentally setting that oven glove on fire
  6. I am sorry for not texting you my whereabouts and causing you to think I had crashed my car and was in a ditch
  7. I am sorry for telling you to "fuck off" on the one night of the year I should've done the exact opposite
  8. I am sorry for all the times I've broken the shower. I've lost count of how many times it is now...
  9. I am sorry that I use 'swag' as an adjective
  10. I am sorry I let you pass out on the floor... whilst I fell asleep in your bed
  11. I am sorry I laughed at your misfortune. But hey, karma's a bitch and so am I.
  12. I am sorry for constantly borrowing your DVDs without asking
  13. I am sorry I always fish for compliments. And I'm even more sorry that you've figured out that I do that.
  14. I am sorry that I turn into Miley Cyrus when I'm drunk. And that my tongue has a mind of its own in pictures.
  15. I am sorry for spilling the liquid soap in your bathroom. And for only now telling you.
  16. I am sorry for smashing one of your plant pots with my car
  17. I am sorry for crying for fucking hours and covering you (and everything you own) in mascara. That was so not cool and I deeply regret it.
  18. I am sorry I enjoyed your sexting scandal. You did kind of deserve it though. Soz.
  19. I am sorry for starting that fight about your ex. And that it lasted three days. I understand your side now.
  20. I am sorry I tripped on my pajamas and ended up breaking your textiles coursework
  21. I am sorry for breaking your heart after you spent £40 on sending me a bouquet of flowers on Valentines Day. And that you stopped talking to me a year later. Prick.
  22. I am sorry for always being late
  23. I am sorry for being "a tiny bit over-dramatic"
  24. I am sorry that you're all so jealous of me. But I can't help it that I'm popular. Wait, no, that's a line from 'Mean Girls'.
  25. I am sorry for getting a nose bleed while we were making out
  26. I am sorry for getting rib pain while we were making out. Multiple times.
  27. I am sorry that both of those things happened on the same weekend
  28. I am sorry that my handwriting is worse than that of a 5 year old child
  29. I am sorry for almost running a red light on my way to see you... I'm just generally sorry that I am such an abysmal driver.
  30. I am sorry for swearing so fucking much... Ah, man.
  31. I am sorry for not always texting back (or replying to snapchats) and being unable to control my use of emojis
  32. I am sorry that my appalling taste in music affected you so much
  33. I am sorry for always stealing the duvet
  34. I am sorry for asking if you would "like me for dessert" whilst we were in a crowded restaurant... and for being unable to keep a straight face as I did so
  35. I am sorry that near enough all my clothing has a chocolate stain on it
  36. I am sorry I played bejeweled while we were in bed. And that you fell asleep because of it. (I got a high score though, so all was not lost!)
  37. I am sorry for always shooting down all the nice things you say to me. I get nervous, ok!
  38. I am sorry I still fantasize about one day getting my own break-up scene like the one in 'A Cinderella Story'. But it is so freaking dramatic.
  39. I am sorry that I am so pessimistic about everything. "The glass is always completely full of tears".
  40. And most importantly, I am sorry that I took a break whilst writing this post to stand on my bed and mime along to 'Let it Go' by Demi Lovato. And that I consequently almost fell off and broke my neck with the force of my air grabs.
So, can you forgive me?

~ Eleanor xo

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