Monday, 2 June 2014

What I don't get about facebook

If I were to make a pie chart of the reasons people use Facebook, I imagine it would be a choppy mix of "to boast about how amazingly you're currently doing at life", "to show off happy relationships", "to vent about shit relationships", "checking you are still doing better than that slutty girl who bullied you when you were 13" and of course, "stalking your ex. And his new girlfriend. And her brother. And if you're having a really bad day, his best friend". 

Just last month I found myself discovering that an old college friend had found himself a girlfriend. It was a jaw dropping moment and I had to take a moment to process what I'd just seen. I preceded to "oh-my-god" and flap my hands in the air for a good few minutes before I was able to regain my composure. Of course, now I've had time to let the revelation sink in, I find myself wondering why exactly I care. The fact he fancied me first is neither here nor there. Essentially, what you see on Facebook is either going to make you feel super pumped or horrendously upset. Kind of like cocaine. I imagine.

But what else don't I get about this ridiculously addictive and soul destroying social network?

1. Why am I able to 'suggest friends' to people? It's like saying, "yo, pal, I gots more friends than you and I feel like you should know so I gon point it out over Facebook hell yeah" (why have I written this as though I am a gangsta?)

2. I accidentally told Mark Zuckerberg I was in a relationship before I told my family. My mum called me up a couple of days later not really understanding what any of it meant. I believe her words were "what does it mean you're in a relationship? It's not real though is it? It's just on Facebook". God bless mums on Facebook.

3. The United Nations will soon make it law that no selfie can be uploaded without a filter. It's basically our way of tricking people into thinking we're a ten when we are quite clearly a two (at best). My profile picture may or may not be airbrushed... No dark under-eye circles for this girl, thank you!

4. When a complete stranger from the other side of the world with no mutual friends tries to add you. Just the other day I had a nice french guy try to add me; I did consider accepting it because he was wearing a snapback in his profile picture and just oozed street cred but I didn't feel that was a strong enough reason considering I, you know, have no idea who he is. Désolé, ami. (I had to use google translate for that - sorry if it's completely incorrect)

5. Why are some people so open about every element of their lives? I once used twitter to ask if tripping up in front of a cute guy and making him laugh counted as flirting (sadly I don't think it does), but some people feel the need to post super personal stuff, I mean, super super, and it's just uncomfortable. So, yeah, please stop that.

6. Kissing pictures. WHY?! Nobody ever looks at their news feed and thinks to themselves, "hmm, you know what's missing here? A wonky-blurry-black-and-white image of my friend with her tongue down someones throat". Ok? Never.

7. When your jackass BFF uploads that ONE picture of you looking horrendous. True, it's probably your own fault you look so bad (let's all blame it on the alcohol) but it's so not cool when a picture of you with your eyes going in different directions or you grinding on a what-you-thought-at-the-time-looked-like-Zac-Efron-but-really-now-does-not shows up for all to see. My sister and I once took a picture together where I felt I looked really good, but she had her eyes closed, so naturally, I cropped her out and uploaded the picture with just me in it. She flipped out afterwards, but I assured her I was doing her a favour. You're welcome sis, I got your back.

8. Those weird adverts on the side of the page. They're supposedly catered for you specifically but mine are currently advertising "British Military Fitness", "Financial Spread Betting" (what even is that?) and a "wedding photographer". Yes, I want precisely none of these things. However, I'm now starting to worry what my search history is if this is who the algorithm thinks I am...

9. Why am I still Facebook friends with a bunch of my friends ex's? Well, I know why. Because I want the friend count.

10. People who continuously post statuses that are pointless. Literally no-one, not one single person on the face of this planet cares that you just drank the perfect cup of tea or that you're watching the film currently showing on itv2. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that you do not need to post what the fucking weather is. Not only do I have an app on my phone for that, but I can also, you know, LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW. You will know I've just read a weather status if I begin massaging my temples. Or if it's sunny outside.

But even I have to admit that Facebook isn't all bad (especially considering most of you probably got here because of it), it's a great way of piecing a nights events together and also means that my mum is able to keep track of me when I'm at uni and forget to call her for three weeks. Shout-out to my dad for texting me every time my mum turns to him, sighs and says: "she went out again last night" every time I go out partying. Everyone should have their parents as Facebook friends, it is tremendous fun.

~ Eleanor xo