Thursday, 19 September 2013

Things I thought were sexy but upon reflection, probably weren't

I am probably the least sexy female on the planet; I eat like some kind of crazed gibbon and I laugh at pretty much everything (serious, sexual or otherwise). Let's all take a short moment to think about what a catch I am *sigh*. I have (so far) had zero luck with guys, can you tell? but university has provided a great stepping stone for me to work on my skills so I'll be ready to go out into the real world and work my magic and fool someone into loving me unconditionally. I am a girl with a plan. But no man. Hmmm.

So here it is: Eleanor's accidental guide to being seriously un-sexy... Enjoy:

1. Chewing gum

I thought I was doing great until he asked me why I was chewing so loud, and then proceeded to mimic me.

2. Low back/backless see-through top that showed off my new lacy bra

He pointed out that I had gotten thoroughly (unevenly) sunburnt the previous day. Like I didn't already know that. Moron.

3. Sneaking him into my house

My sister came home and found us. It was what I can only describe as one of the worst experiences of my life. She didn't grass me up to my parents though; thanks sis, I owe you one.

4. Short pyjama shorts

When you have a booty you gotta use it, girl! So I did. Until I got a text a few days later telling me the shorts were too short. Ok there, Mr Mixed Signals.

5. Wearing (and keeping) his hoodie

It was great; comfiest hoodie I've ever worn in fact (perfect for 9am lectures at uni where you do not give a shit about your appearance - take note, girls). Until we broke up and in the end I had to mail it back to him. There's £3.90 I'll never get back.

6. Talking about Victoria's Secret
I'll probably keep doing this but I just really like the brand.

7. Mositurising my legs

I don't think he was even watching so that was a waste of my time.

8. Instagramming bikini selfies

I was on holiday, hanging by the pool with the sun in the sky and decided to pose for a picture so I could boast to everyone back home in rainy England. Everything seemed cool until my sister messaged me telling me the bikini I was wearing made it look as though I was naked. I can't look at that picture anymore.

9. Sharing a mozzarella stick (you know, like the spaghetti scene in Lady & The Tramp)

This one was not my idea - umm hello, mozzarella sticks are my favourite, why on earth would I want to share one?! Still, we tried it and frankly it just turned into a cheesy mess and he ended up with the bigger half so that wasn't great.

10. Shaving only half way up my legs

I was wearing long pyjama bottoms so I figured only shaving to the knee would be fine. Oh how wrong I was. I'm sure I don't need to tell you how utterly horrific this experience was. NEVER. AGAIN.

What a poor excuse of a woman I am. Learn from my mistakes ladies, it will save you a hell of a lot of embarrassment.

~ Eleanor xo

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Guys I Won't Date

Being a single girl (cue audience sighing and "awwww"ing on my behalf) I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about my ex's and what I want in a guy in the future - other people do this too, right? Anyway, I've constructed a list of people I definitely wouldn't look at twice, with a few jabs at my ex's and their old habits (yep, I'm basically Taylor Swift... only I can't sing and I'm not blonde).

1. Someone who talks about themselves non-stop

Eventually I'll just stop listening because this stuff gets old fast. Maybe ask me how I am once in a while.

2. Hot and he knows it

Basically the biggest turn-off ever. Stop acting like you're god's freaking gift and just chill out - ain't nobody finding that attitude attractive.

3. Someone who barely watches TV

I like to watch television, like, a lot a lot. From staying up till 1am on a Wednesday morning to live-stream the latest episode of Pretty Little Liars, to curling up on a winter evening watching CSI, I do the lot. I'm not exactly going to force you to watch with me, but don't hate on the delights of the TLC network until you've watched at least one episode of Extreme Cheapskates.

4. Someone who thinks he's cooler than me because he drinks more

Sure, we're young and in our prime, but I am capable of deciding what I want and despite your enthralling story, I don't find you cool for drink driving.

5. Someone who tells me I have shit taste in music/films/TV etc.

You are not superior to me in any way simply because you listen to, in your opinion, 'better' music. When this gem comes up it becomes apparent that the only shit taste I have, is in boyfriends.

6. Someone who brags about their other female attention
I am well aware that there are billions of other females in the world, and you should definitely check them out because yolo but why do you feel the need to text me every time you get hit on?

7. Someone who talks about their ex

Erm hello, your ex is your ex for a reason and honey if you keep this up you're gonna become my ex to. Don't compare me or the things I do to how you remember it with your ex, like, what exactly are you hoping to achieve from this?

8. Cat lovers

Ever since I was a kid I have regarded cats as my personal omen. When cats are involved, bad things happen. I can't really explain it, but cats just make me super uncomfortable.

9. Bad manners
Manners are so incredibly vital. I'm not talking about always holding the door open for me and bowing as I enter (or maybe I am...), but just, don't behave like a total asshole. Is that too much to ask?

What about you? Are there any traits you cannot deal with or are you someone that's up for a challenge? And are you now thinking that I am a total lunatic with ridiculously high standards (I hope not).

~ Eleanor xo

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

My Internet Regrets

In life, we all have things we regret; and on the internet, they're immortalized forever. The list below includes only some of my regrets, there are probably hundreds more in the depths of cyberspace... Say "cheesy drunken selfie!!". Oh dear.

1. That one tweet I posted that got me into a huge fight with one of my best friends that frankly, I don't think we ever recovered from...

2. Helping my mum get Facebook 

I thought she only wanted it to re-connect with her sister who lives in the US and hasn't seen for a billion years. Nope, she just wanted it to stalk me whilst I'm away at uni. I learnt that the hard way. Damn.

3. Facebook in general

I do not fancy being reminded that a guy I turned down in year 10 is now celebrating his second anniversary with a SERIOUSLY hot girl, whilst I have sat in the same position eating Cheetos for 7 hours straight, totally alone.

4. Most of my selfies 

They always look so good at the time. Internet trickery.

5. Posting a story to 'My Life Is Twilight'

Just, don't even go there.

6. Every single Piczo site I owned 

If you're sitting there thinking 'I cannot relate to this' then you are lying. You know you are. Also, I only just found out that Piczo permanently closed down last December - what!?

7. Blocking my sister on twitter

She got really upset and I felt bad so I allowed her back into my elite fold after 2 days.

8. Every drunk tweet

Most people call their boyfriends when they get hella drunk, I however, for some reason, feel the need to tweet dumb stuff. Most of it doesn't even make sense. WHY?

9. Hotmail

I had a Hotmail account for around 8 years, and it got hacked approximately 3000 times. I'd be surprised if I'm not filed under 'girl who tries to sell me cheap viagra' in all my contacts address books. Now it's Gmail all the way.

10. The 'Capitalising Every Word In A Sentence' Phase

I stopped doing this after someone on, wait for it... a 'Sims 2' forum (yes, believe it) told me to stop. It truly was a life changing moment.

11. That time I stalked the Facebook and twitter pages of my ex boyfriend's new and past girlfriends

(We've all been there, right?) I hid under my duvet and cried my eyes out for hours. Then I told myself to suck it up and never ever do that again. And I haven't. So far.

However, I am immensely proud that I do not own a Pinterest board named 'my wedding' - not even a secret one! It almost makes all that other crap not seem so bad. Almost.

What are some of your internet regrets? You can deny it all you want but nothing gets 'permanently deleted' on the internet. (Basically, tell me I'm not alone in any of these things, please!)

~ Eleanor xo