Email Jargon Decoded

AKA "what I say versus what I mean"

Account handling is about 95% writing, receiving, categorising, refreshing and reading emails. The other 5% includes stuff like: meetings, serious discussions, phone calls, briefing documents, squealing over engagement announcements and running around and chasing things*. Not literally chasing things, metaphorically chasing things.

*this probably is in no way accurate but you get what I'm saying.

In a world where people would rather cut off their own arm than pick up the phone to discuss things ear to ear, email writing has become an art form. And by 'art form' I mean, where what you type on your keyboard is probably much more diplomatic than what your brain wants you to say. And by 'probably' I mean, almost definitely. And that's where #EmailJargon comes in...

1. "Please let me know if you require anything further on this"
I'm really hoping you won't require anything further on this, and that if you do, next-to-no effort is needed from me.

2. "Thanks for sending this through" / "Thanks for the feedback"
Right so now we've got the British pleasantries out of the way, let me tell you a thing that you probably aint gon like in a follow up three paragraphs.

3. "Hope this all makes sense. Please let me know if you have any questions"
There's a high chance I won't know how to answer them, but you're certainly welcome to try.

4. "Thanks for flagging"
I'm glad one of us is awake.

5. "So sorry, this seems to have been trapped in my outbox"
You and I both know that this is a ginormous lie, but we've all been there, so let's do as we do and act like this is totally what happened.

6. "That’s no problem [I'll do this/sort this/whatever else this now]"
It is a problem, but I'll still do this/sort this/whatever else this now.

7. "I look forward to catching up with you then"
Sometimes I mean this, sometimes I don't.

8. "Apologies for any confusion!"
I'm not one-hundred percent sure what I'm apologising for, but at least this way you won't think I'm a ginormous dick.

9. "Hope that’s ok!"
It better bloody be!

10. "Hope this helps"
I know this will help. Please don't act like it won't.

11. "As discussed previously [...]"
We both know that neither you nor I can properly recall the discussion I'm referring to, but I want you to know that I remembered because for some reason that feels important.

12. "I look forward to hearing your thoughts"
Only if they're good thoughts. Please don't let them be bad thoughts. Please also don't let them be bad thoughts that you'd like me to rectify at 5:29pm on Friday.

~ Eleanor xo

Disclaimer: The above is all totally satirical and I in no way mean to offend or make myself look like an ass to work with. I love my job and what I do.