Saying "au revoir" to university and a general life update

To quote one of the best american television shows of all time (and one I feel did not deserve to ever be cancelled), 'Pushing Daises', "the facts were these...":

1. I have officially finished university forever, for good, for always, never to be revisited again (assuming I pass all my assignments that is. Gulp.)
2. I am going to take on the big bad world of grown-uphood.
3. I am a teeny-tiny bit terrified out of my mind.
4. Only a teeny-tiny bit.
5. That's a lie.

So now you've got the general gist on just where I am with my life ('panic attack central', if you want the technical name for it), I feel I probably should've started with a "Hello! I know it's been a thousand years but yes, I am still around". How are you, how's life, what's been happening?

If you've been sitting in front of your laptop for the last few months weeping to yourself because this blog looks like a metaphorical wasteland, where digital tumbleweeds roll past every so often (that's not a thing, but it totally should be), I am here to wipe away those tears and to birth some exciting news! Soz about using the word 'birth' in this context, feels a bit weird, doesn't it?

So what's been happening I don't hear you ask! Well, what hasn't been happening?! No seriously, I've spent so long cooped up inside writing my dissertation that I have fully lost all grip on reality and how to function as a normal human being. Absolutely no idea what day it is, or, following the recent election mumbo-jumbo, who is in fact, in control of the country.

I'm just kidding, I know it's still Dave - though he has full control now so if he starts decreeing we all send our kids off to a reaping for a Hunger Games style event, I'm shipping myself off to Peru. (I've chosen Peru because I just watched the Paddington film and it looks like a delightful place!)

But I digress; as this new updated layout hopefully conveys, there have been some changes happening around here. Namely, I now have the time to actually devote to doing this whole blogging thing justice. And that's what I'm going to try to do. (See earlier: "exciting news").

So here I am, inviting you to hop aboard the Eleanor-train and come along with me to face the triumphs, trials and tribulations of life as a (soon-to-be) advertising graduate, who spends most waking moments fighting the urge to squander her minuscule life savings on a one-way ticket to Paris. And the remaining waking moments on attempting to become Jennifer Lawrence.

I hope you enjoy the ride. And I hope I do too.
Opa!
~ Eleanor xo

Things I would rather do than write a dissertation

~Inspired by this post, from 'I Wore Yoga Pants To Work'. She's hilarious and just gets it~

In case you weren't already aware, I am in the midst of writing the world's greatest dissertation. Not even I believe that, but I am writing a dissertation so that part is true. As surprising as I know you'll find this, dissertation writing is an excruciatingly awful experience and I kind of want to cry all the time. 

What I once thought was going to be the coolest thing ever to write ten-thousand words about, has become the absolute bane of my life. I no longer care why brands use social media and frankly, I wish they'd stop so I wouldn't have to write any more about it.

Last week my lecturer told me to do with my dissertation what I felt was best because after all, it's "my baby". How twisted is that!? That's enough to get teenage pregnancies down for real. Something inside me told me not to reply "well, I deeply regret having this baby and I'd like to give it back, please and thank you". In all honesty, I don't think a real baby would be as needy as this thing is - the hours I have to devote to keeping it happy! The tantrums it throws when I don't format things correctly or type too fast. It's a nightmare. And the lack of sleep? Don't even get me started.

What would I rather do than read five-hundred page research method textbooks and write ten-thousand words? Anything. Literally anything. But more specifically:

1. Attempt to untangle my iPhone headphones after they've been stuffed in my bag all day
2. Have a conversation with Justin Bieber where neither of us is allowed to use the word "swaggy"
3. Shave my legs every single day
4. Listen to someone tell me why voluntary gluten-free living is the future 
5. Talk to my parents about sex. Just to give you some perspective, my dad calls it "bonking"
6. Listen to a song where the lyrics simply repeat my least favourite word over and over
7. Get stopped at every single red traffic light when I'm already late for something
8. Be cast as "the unattractive friend" in some kind of advertising commercial
9. Be cast as someone who has a problem with their 'intimate area' in some kind of advertising commercial
10. Buy tampons on a day where all the people working in the store are seventeen-year-old males 
11. Walk around blissfully unaware that I have toilet roll stuck to my shoe 
12. Scroll through my Facebook News Feed to find it full of engagement posts, while in a fight with my boyfriend
13. Comfort someone who's going through some kind of crisis that I can in no way relate to
14. Have my phone volume permanently on 'loud' and change the ringtone to "S&M" by Rihanna
15. Sit in a room for an hour with twenty cats. *shudders*
16. Get nail polish remover in a cut on my hand
17. Have the god-awful woman who does the voice-over for the Spotify adverts narrate my entire day
18. Be lectured on why I should absolutely not shake my booty to that "Blurred Lines" song
19. Give a dramatic reading of the exchange of texts that ended my last relationship
20. Tell people via my blog that I got dumped by text. Nailed it.
21. Upload a slideshow of every Snapchat I've ever sent onto Facebook

I was also considering including "watch someone snap all of my High School Musical DVD's and CD's in half", but I don't think I'm quite that desperate. Yet.

To everyone who is currently feeling my pain, don't give up, we can do this! As Lily Potter (the fictional character, not one of my distant relations) once said: "Harry, be safe, be strong!". Now, let's all join hands and sob together.

~ Eleanor xo

So where do you see yourself after university?

Today I managed to avoid attending a 'goal mapping' workshop held by my university, where I'm guessing they encourage you to map out your life goals. If that isn't the case then I suggest they consider renaming it because otherwise that's very misleading.

My main man, Troy, gets it. Also, is this where my obsession with boys in v-necks started?

Goal mapping? GOAL. MAPPING?! I can't even envision where I'm going to be next Tuesday, let alone in five years time. Who needs a life plan when you're able to function each day by doing laundry when you run out of underwear, can live off pasta and strange concoctions of things you find in your fridge until you can motivate yourself into going to the supermarket and watch videos of Jennifer Lawrence on Youtube when you're feeling sad. Fear not, university lecturers, I've got this. No I will not uncross my fingers.

And excuse me, but I've just weathered my way through three weeks of "So what year of university are you in now? THIRD YEAR?! Gosh, well hasn't that gone fast, I thought you were only in your second year! So what is it that you hope to do after?". This is usually where I seize up and contemplate faking a choking fit so I can avoid answering. Instead I have to force a small laugh and say "hopefully find a job". You'd think that would satisfy them but no, for some reason every single person remotely related to me feels the need to ask "do you have any idea where you'd like to work?". Well obviously not! If I can't choose which scented candle I want to buy next, how do you expect me to know where I want to work for the rest of my life? And then all of a sudden it's totally unacceptable to reply "well, somewhere that'll pay me money!". The truth is dropped. Cue end of conversation. Cue me wiping my brow with my jumper sleeve where numerous beads of sweat have appeared. Exit stage left.

Just this morning I was sitting absentmindedly in bed enjoying my breakfast and 'Elders React to Anaconda' (hilare video, please watch it), when I began choking on my Shredded Wheat. I'm talking full on, eyes streaming, can't breath, retching, pain, agony, certain death, choking. And all I could think was "I knew the coco-pop craving I woke up with was telling me something". Listen to your heart, kids, otherwise you'll choke. Apparently. (I am going to be the world's best mother, I know).

Still, I found it highly ironic that I woke up being all like, "ain't nobody got time for life spoilers, ride the waves, go with the flow, always wear clean underwear, life is what you make it!!!!!" and then I basically nearly died. Just a normal day, really.

The truth is, I know exactly where I want to be in the end. In a gorge country house with a thousand Yankee candles burning all at once, a custom made coffee syrup storage-cupboard in my kitchen and the Ferrari I drove in 2013 sitting in my driveway. JK Rowling will release a new series of books about a far more interesting Potter who took the advertising/PR/social media world by storm and finally dyed her hair a majestic golden-honey colour. I will be content in my life because I will have eventually worn down my husband into agreeing to re-enact the 'gotta go my own way' scene from High School Musical 2. My children will think I am the best thing since the iPad 12 and my dog will do this dance whenever I come home from work. Life will be swell.

Please ignore the fact that this was the house used in the most upsetting film ever, Marley & Me

Of course, I am well aware that the goal mapping session today was probably just about the next five years, and I've thought of that too. In the near future I will *whispers* be a graduate, crippled under student loan debt (around thirty-three grands worth), I'll be back living with my parents and begging for a job at any opportunity. I will have split-ends that can be seen from space and I'll still rock out to One Direction's latest album when I'm alone in my car - causing thirteen-year-old's to stare at and then judge me (this legitimately happened to me last weekend). Now if that image doesn't excite you, then I don't know what will.

Happy 2015, everyone; time to shake what your mumma gave you!
~ Eleanor xo