What I don't get about facebook

If I were to make a pie chart of the reasons people use Facebook, I imagine it would be a choppy mix of "to boast about how amazingly you're currently doing at life", "to show off happy relationships", "to vent about shit relationships", "checking you are still doing better than that slutty girl who bullied you when you were 13" and of course, "stalking your ex. And his new girlfriend. And her brother. And if you're having a really bad day, his best friend". 

Just last month I found myself discovering that an old college friend had found himself a girlfriend. It was a jaw dropping moment and I had to take a moment to process what I'd just seen. I preceded to "oh-my-god" and flap my hands in the air for a good few minutes before I was able to regain my composure. Of course, now I've had time to let the revelation sink in, I find myself wondering why exactly I care. The fact he fancied me first is neither here nor there. Essentially, what you see on Facebook is either going to make you feel super pumped or horrendously upset. Kind of like cocaine. I imagine.

But what else don't I get about this ridiculously addictive and soul destroying social network?

1. Why am I able to 'suggest friends' to people? It's like saying, "yo, pal, I gots more friends than you and I feel like you should know so I gon point it out over Facebook hell yeah" (why have I written this as though I am a gangsta?)

2. I accidentally told Mark Zuckerberg I was in a relationship before I told my family. My mum called me up a couple of days later not really understanding what any of it meant. I believe her words were "what does it mean you're in a relationship? It's not real though is it? It's just on Facebook". God bless mums on Facebook.

3. The United Nations will soon make it law that no selfie can be uploaded without a filter. It's basically our way of tricking people into thinking we're a ten when we are quite clearly a two (at best). My profile picture may or may not be airbrushed... No dark under-eye circles for this girl, thank you!

4. When a complete stranger from the other side of the world with no mutual friends tries to add you. Just the other day I had a nice french guy try to add me; I did consider accepting it because he was wearing a snapback in his profile picture and just oozed street cred but I didn't feel that was a strong enough reason considering I, you know, have no idea who he is. Désolé, ami. (I had to use google translate for that - sorry if it's completely incorrect)

5. Why are some people so open about every element of their lives? I once used twitter to ask if tripping up in front of a cute guy and making him laugh counted as flirting (sadly I don't think it does), but some people feel the need to post super personal stuff, I mean, super super, and it's just uncomfortable. So, yeah, please stop that.

6. Kissing pictures. WHY?! Nobody ever looks at their news feed and thinks to themselves, "hmm, you know what's missing here? A wonky-blurry-black-and-white image of my friend with her tongue down someones throat". Ok? Never.

7. When your jackass BFF uploads that ONE picture of you looking horrendous. True, it's probably your own fault you look so bad (let's all blame it on the alcohol) but it's so not cool when a picture of you with your eyes going in different directions or you grinding on a what-you-thought-at-the-time-looked-like-Zac-Efron-but-really-now-does-not shows up for all to see. My sister and I once took a picture together where I felt I looked really good, but she had her eyes closed, so naturally, I cropped her out and uploaded the picture with just me in it. She flipped out afterwards, but I assured her I was doing her a favour. You're welcome sis, I got your back.

8. Those weird adverts on the side of the page. They're supposedly catered for you specifically but mine are currently advertising "British Military Fitness", "Financial Spread Betting" (what even is that?) and a "wedding photographer". Yes, I want precisely none of these things. However, I'm now starting to worry what my search history is if this is who the algorithm thinks I am...

9. Why am I still Facebook friends with a bunch of my friends ex's? Well, I know why. Because I want the friend count.

10. People who continuously post statuses that are pointless. Literally no-one, not one single person on the face of this planet cares that you just drank the perfect cup of tea or that you're watching the film currently showing on itv2. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that you do not need to post what the fucking weather is. Not only do I have an app on my phone for that, but I can also, you know, LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW. You will know I've just read a weather status if I begin massaging my temples. Or if it's sunny outside.

But even I have to admit that Facebook isn't all bad (especially considering most of you probably got here because of it), it's a great way of piecing a nights events together and also means that my mum is able to keep track of me when I'm at uni and forget to call her for three weeks. Shout-out to my dad for texting me every time my mum turns to him, sighs and says: "she went out again last night" every time I go out partying. Everyone should have their parents as Facebook friends, it is tremendous fun.

~ Eleanor xo

I saw you wrote about me on your blog

It happened. Someone said it. The dreaded "I saw you wrote about me on your blog". Pretty much one of the worst sentences I've ever heard. Well, that's a total lie, I've heard far worse things. An example being: "Those shoes are disgusting". Ouch. But that's not the point. Anyway, I knew exactly which post this person was referring to and if I wasn't sitting upright in a car with my seat-belt on (safety first, kids) I would've slowly slid off my seat and into the hole I had apparently dug for myself. Instead, and in a rather appropriately dramatic manner, I swiftly turned my head to look out the window (that's how they do it in films) and muttered "yeah, we don't talk about that". While I considered using the app on my phone to erase all traces of myself and this blog from the web, he changed the subject. Thank God. I really didn't have the 3G to spare.

Because essentially, what I write here in my strangely blue corner of the internet is basically, how can I put this? Word vomit. Ah, another Mean Girls reference. But seriously, I sort of forget who reads what I post. I figured I'd be fine sharing my life with total strangers and anyone nosy enough to click a link on Facebook, but then it dawned on me that real life people do read it. You there, you're real! Congrats! Just count yourself lucky you're not doing one of those weird warpy 'prove you're human, and not a vacuum' literacy/numeracy/I-don't-get-the-point-of-these-I'm-literally-just-buying-concert-tickets tests. No-one ever gets those things right first time; screw you internet, not only do I have GCSE's, I also have A Levels - who are you to judge me?

I like to make fun of myself, hence the content of every single one of my posts, but a blog is like a diary, isn't it? You know everyone's read it, but you have a mutual understanding that they don't tell you they've read it and neither of you try to start a conversation about it. Well, that's how it happened with myself and my sister. God knows why I kept a diary for so long - or why I kept it hidden in the same place. I was clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed.

But not only do I not have control over who's reading this stuff and laughing with me (not 'at', she says hopefully), I technically do not own what I write here. Well, I mean, that's what I'm assuming. I never read the terms and conditions. I'm guessing this means that the guy who owns 'blogger' now technically owns all current 460 words of this post. Blogger is essentially owned by Google and who owns Google? I'm not actually sure. Ok, I did a Google search (how ironic), and according to 'whoownsgoogle.com', Google is owned by Bill Shor. Call me presumptuous, but I'm thinking this website is a viable source to use. So, Bill, if that even is your real name (still might not be, I only checked that one website and it was dated 2009), what do you think of my writing? Will it be sold unknowingly to me and used in adverts and other media extensions across the world? Hmm? HMMM!? I know how your sort work, I've watched a documentary! On purpose! By choice! Yeah, exactly. Not only that, but I can quote Legally Blonde backwards, so I could totally take on your multi-billion dollar company. Someone bring me a smart suit, an american flag and a tiny chihuahua, stat!

Obviously, I'm not actually going to go back and read the T&C's I've completely glossed over, but I think it's good to be aware of what may or may not become an eventuality. In the meantime, what I think I'm saying is that maybe I need to think a little more before I post on here. Which doesn't really make sense because I've just written about the person I was supposed to not be writing about. Again. (It's been a long day). I have a feeling this won't work out for long because if I don't write about the embarrassing/bad things that've happened to me, how can I a) help you guys out or b) cheer you up because at the end of the day, at least you're not me. Plus, the rest of my life is horrendously uneventful and I've used the same make up brands for years and I've absolutely no money to be a fashion blogger.

I guess I'll just have to keep slating the people who teach me the greatest life lessons. Shame.

~ Eleanor xo

The things you learn in Holland (about yourself and everyone else)

In the midst of severe procrastination and with a packet of just opened (which means half have already been devoured) Cadbury's chocolate fingers next to me, I am here to chat to you about my (not so recent) journey of self discovery. It's true, the journey ended about two weeks ago but I've been a little busy catching up on the season finale of Pretty Little Liars (oh em gee, am I right?!) and trying not to inhale the large quantity of Milka I bought home for various people I like, to catch you all up to speed on my life. Sadly, my plan to give a load of Milka to my boyfriend in the hope that he'd get the hint and share it with me, horrendously backfired. He took it home still unopened. I wept.

So, the story is this: at the beginning of March, myself and five other Brits packed our bags and headed over to the land of Nether- wait, that sounds wrong; we packed our bags and went to Holland (better), for a two week long international advertising project. Sounds pretty snazzy, right? Sharing a cute little hotel (owned by a fearless Dutch woman whom we loved) with six other European countries, we began plotting our uprising; spent the two weeks working in seven different groups creating fully fledged campaigns for different brands. Most of which we'd never heard of. No sweat.

My first time flying with FlyBe was... interesting. I hadn't been in a propeller plane for some years and having a seat next to the propeller that initially wouldn't start was somewhat unsettling. Still, for a while all I could picture was my mum sitting next to me tutting and comparing every single thing to how British Airways would do it - she's a devote BA flyer so this brightened my mood considerably. To be honest, when we landed in Amsterdam I wasn't truly convinced that we'd left Britain at all because we were faced with, wait for it, rail replacement services. Yes, really. For some time I was marginally convinced that this was just a British conspiracy by the government to piss everyone off but I see now that MI5 do have better things to do than mess with us all and it's a Europe wide problem. So, I forgive you National Rail. For now. 

Finally, nine hours after our expedition began, we arrived in the town of Bergen and our adventure began. And after a dinner of vegetarian lasagna, I knew this trip was going to get wild.

So what exciting Netherlandy wisdom do I have to impart on you? Well, I could write you a book, but I won't, because I'm lazy; but most importantly, if you get taken on a tour of a quaint, historic, serene Dutch town, do not be surprised if you end up in it's red light district unannounced. I still have to rub soap in my eyes to try and remove the images of the things I saw that day. Our tour guide described it as one of the "most popular" streets in Alkmaar. You don't say. 

On most days I felt as though it would be less obvious if I actually walked around holding a sign saying 'tourist', but let's be honest, this is half the fun - I mean, it's not like we get cute rivers and landscapes in England, it's all tower blocks and badly spelt graffiti. True, it adds character, but usually a character with abnormally large private parts. And I can't see Boris jumping to show that at Heathrow. The thrill I got from referring to my friends as 'Team GB' and saying stuff like "I am British" was embarrassingly massive. I tried learning some Dutch but instead all I learnt was that I'm terrible at languages. Still, I once found myself in an in-depth conversation comparing euros and pounds so maybe that counts. 

Things I learnt through this trip:

1. I'd be the worlds worst language teacher. I'm not even sure if I speak English correctly anymore.

2. I may have caused every single person there to think that Brits legitimately use the words 'swag' and 'swaggy' as adjectives...

3. At first I thought dutch boys were really cool. And then I realised that they all look exactly the same and it freaked me out a bit. If you want the new One Direction, you'll find them in Holland.

4. Once you start quoting Bridesmaids with your bestie everyday for two weeks, it becomes increasingly difficult to stop

5. It's true, you never forget how to ride a bike; but you sure will be rusty (and nothing will be funnier than seeing your friend ride into a ditch)

6. I need to be in a country where "bless you", "excuse me" and queuing are actually a thing. The lack of these things made my eyes twitch vigorously.

7. Dutch food is actually pretty good  

8. My sarcasm was probably taken offensively and I wouldn't be surprised if some of them wanted to chase me with a pitchfork

9. Nothing is more upsetting than being surrounded by multi-lingual individuals. I want to bitch in a secret language too!

10. I spent 87% of my time complaining about the Dutch bus system and how ridiculously expensive it is. 

11. At the peak of tiredness I managed to slide out of bed head first, go over my neck and land face up on the floor. And once I punched a shelf.

12. No matter where I go, someone will always pick up on the Potter thing. It almost felt like home.

13. HOLLAND IS SO INSTAGRAMABLE. And their extortionately priced buses come with wifi!

14. Lauren and I had many in depth discussions as to why the country has very few plug sockets. We've still yet to reach a viable answer.

15. And perhaps most importantly; the Europeans know how to get cray and partay

I had the most amazing two weeks; I got to bond with my fellow Team GBer's and took more selfies than I have in my life (I blame you, Lauren). We worked our cute little behinds off during the project and learnt so much. The whole thing was an experience I will never forget and I can sleep easy knowing my mum is not going to disown me because I did bring her back some Gouda. And what trip is complete without the purchase of a 'Netherlands' Starbucks mug?

~ Eleanor xo